By Natalie Gottret Murillo
Not Harping on Your Past
I know I shouldn’t live my life in what-ifs, and for the most part, I do a pretty good job, except there is one thought I can’t help but think from time to time: what if I had been diagnosed with ADHD sooner? Would I have had different interests? Would I have done better in school? Would my relationships with people have been better? Would I have gone to the college I went to? Would I, would I, would I?
Trusting Your Intuition
I always knew there was something wrong. In third grade, everyone had to take the state assessment that then placed students into different level classes: two grades above, one grade above, and on grade level. However, at my school (being the best public school in my state at the time), “grade level” was perceived by students as below grade level; it meant you were slow. I manifested this as meaning I was dumb. I carried this around with me through all of grade school. Some people would have just worked hard to move up, but I internalized this label deeply and accepted what I believed was my fate and really fed into the categorization. I struggled in school, not realizing that the real issue was that I learned differently. There were other signs as well; I cannot count the number of times I got in trouble at school, calls home from angry teachers, and poor comments on report cards. I wasn’t destructive or anything; I quite literally talked too much. Teachers would tell my parents that they tried to move me from friends, but I would just become friends with whoever they sat me next to. Talkativeness can be perceived as a positive thing; being social is good, but in reality, it is yet another sign of ADHD that was misinterpreted.
Authors Note: I want to emphasize how absolutely wrong I was to think that I was not intelligent for being placed in the on-level math class. ADHD or not, this does NOT indicate your level of intelligence OR your potential to achieve anything you want in life. I was wrong, and I will shout that from the rooftops.
Gender Disparities in Getting an ADHD Diagnosis
The rate at which females and males are diagnosed is disproportionate. Research shows that females are 16 times less likely to get diagnosed with ADHD than boys, often having their symptoms overlooked and brushed off as something else. Females with ADHD are frequently misdiagnosed with a different disorder, usually anxiety or depression, or ADHD is missed when they already have a different diagnosis[1]. The cause of this could be that females often have inattentive ADHD and present symptoms more internally, while males tend to present more externally[2], making a diagnosis as a female harder to detect.
The Validation of a Delayed Diagnosis
When I first got diagnosed at age 19, already a sophomore in college, I looked into the symptoms and also those most common in females: have anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem: check; have trouble maintaining friendships: check; underachieve and get poor grades; check, hyper-talkative, be verbally impulsive, interrupt others, talk excessively, or change topics repeatedly during conversations; check, check, check, check. It blew my mind. The more I researched, the more validated I felt. A massive chunk of my insecurities could be attributed to something that has been present since childhood, something genetic, something that was not my fault.
Getting diagnosed with ADHD wasn’t even intentional. I was lucky enough to have acquired accommodations in school during my last year of high school due to testing anxiety (my ADHD in disguise), so I wasn’t struggling too much in that aspect. However, I was still struggling with depression, and I was privileged that my school offered different therapies through them, including Dialectal Behavior Therapy. My personal therapist led the group and recommended it to me. To be accepted, I had to go through a psychological and neurological intake. The intake resulted in one of my diagnoses being ADHD. As I mentioned before, this was life-changing. Things have not been the same since. For example, I got prescribed Adderall by my psychiatrist, and my first time taking it was transformative on its own. Have you ever seen those videos of people putting on color-blind glasses and seeing the vibrant world for the first time? I swear I had a similar feeling doing a simple homework assignment for the first time. I know that sounds dramatic, but I was assigned to read a 10-page scientific article for a class, and for the first time in my life, reading through it and doing the paired writing assignment didn’t feel like having my tooth pulled. I read the article and comprehended the content. I did not have to re-read the same paragraph over and over or give up after 5 minutes. I didn’t come up with any excuse to do anything else. I completed the paired assignment cautiously and accurately, not having to email excuses or ask for an extension. I remember calling my parents and crying, worried they assumed something was wrong, but my tears were happy tears because I felt capable of succeeding academically for the first time in my life.
While on the topic of parents, getting diagnosed with any type of mental illness can be hard on them and the rest of your family. For me, it felt like it was just another burden. I had been struggling with mental illness since I was 14, and being Latina, it’s safe to assume my family did not fully understand. In addition to that, my older brother had been diagnosed with ADHD at a very young age, so my parents were very apprehensive about my news. They had seen firsthand what ADHD looked like in a child, and as expected, the way ADHD manifested in my brother was very different from how it manifested in me. See, for my brother, it was more of the concentration/hyperactivity, whereas I had more internal struggles. However, I do think by now, having graduated with improved grades, a love to learn and read, and a fantastic job, my family can see the way my undiagnosed ADHD impacted me.
A Diagnosis is Just the Beginning
I want to stress that getting diagnosed did not fix everything; I had been internalizing things for close to a decade by then and also had comorbid diagnoses. Getting diagnosed made me feel validated and like my struggles were legitimate, but it was also just the beginning. I had to come to terms with the fact that I learned differently than most people. I had to re-evaluate how I acted in social situations and how I moved about in relationships. I made it through college and was content with who I had become academically and personally, but the effects of ADHD don’t end once you stop school. After college, I had to shift from learning how I learned differently to learning how I worked differently. I struggled at the beginning of my first big girl job. I wasn’t the most organized or cautious with details which could fly in school, but it definitely was not okay in the workplace. I have been experimenting with many different ways of organization and planning. I am still in therapy and working every day to make my neurodivergence a strength instead of a weakness.
You Are Valid
If any part of my experience resonates with you, I hope it makes you realize you are not alone. Especially to my fellow females out there who suspect something is wrong but feel like it is always disregarded as something else: you are valid. I urge you to look into resources in your area or talk to someone at your school or your parents. If you aren’t taken seriously, do not give up.
Sources:
[1] Young S, Adamo N, Ásgeirsdóttir BB, Branney P, Beckett M, Colley W, et al. Females with ADHD: An expert consensus statement taking a lifespan approach providing guidance for the identification and treatment of attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder in girls and women. BMC Psychiatry. 2020 Aug 12;20(1):404. doi:10.1186/s12888-020-02707-9.
[2] Mowlem FD, Rosenqvist MA, Martin J, Lichtenstein P, Asherson P, Larsson H. Sex differences in predicting ADHD clinical diagnosis and pharmacological treatment. Eur Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2019;28(4):481-489. doi:10.1007/s00787-018-1211-3
Natalie Gottret Murillo (She/Her) was born in La Paz, Bolivia, and grew up in the suburbs of Washington, D.C.. She graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor of Science in Psychology and is currently working as a Clinical Research Coordinator at an Ivy League University. Natalie has a passion for mental health advocacy and research.
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