By Natalie Gottret Murillo
The Reality
As I write this, I am sitting on my couch on a sliver of space where I pushed laundry to the side. Look to the far right; you’ll see a sink full of dirty dishes and a drying rack stacked tetris style with clean ones that were never put away. Next to my door, there is my suitcase, still unpacked from my trip to Florida; it has been over a month. But I can’t put them away because I can’t even see the floor of my closet, which is across from my unmade bed. It is also a Friday night, and I stayed in alone because I wanted to clean; of course, this didn’t happen. This is my reality of living alone with ADHD.
It’s not always bad, I swear! I am really proud of my apartment; I built every piece of furniture in there myself, and I picked every piece of decor. My apartment is decorated pretty closely to the inspo on my Pinterest boards — that is when it’s clean. I go through this cycle where it gets disastrous, and I will get fed up one day, usually way late into the night when I should be sleeping, and I clean the whole place from top to bottom. It is like a breath of fresh air. I also realized how little time it took me and how easy it would be if I would just do it. That is the key phrase:
Just do it
I am not talking about the Nike slogan. I’m talking about what I hear my mom say everytime I procrastinate on a menial task that needs to be done and that I have been putting off for months. My brain, however, does not let me just do it. Tasks that usually take a few minutes to complete become my biggest enemy. I admit I am 23, and my parents still have to hound me for months to just do simple tasks that adults should be doing on their own by now. However, it is comforting to know there is a reason behind this, and it’s called task paralysis. Brooke Whitfield-Fattovich wrote a wonderful article on task paralysis and details the symptoms very well.
Loneliness
I graduated college last year, so this is my first big-girl apartment to accompany my first big-girl job. Living alone has been a huge adjustment. For starters, I only have myself to hold me accountable. For the past four years, I have had many roommates and had to be considerate of shared spaces. Sure, my own room was messy very often, but at least I was cautious about leaving the common spaces clean. I have no extrinsic motivation to do that anymore, and my intrinsic motivation is not enough.
I also have a far less robust social life than I did a year ago. As I said, in college, I had roommates; my best friends lived with me or were a maximum 10-minute walk from me. I could have social plans every night if I wanted to. I was never alone, even when I wish I could’ve been. Now, living alone with many of my friends dispersed throughout the country, I am not super incentivized to make plans. I have some friends in the city I live in, but I don’t have the convenience of just walking into their room anymore. I also haven’t really made any new friends. How does one even do that as an adult? Any tips would be great!
I am in my early twenties, a time when people say I should be living life to the fullest, but no one warned me that it can get lonely sometimes.
When I do make plans, I cancel a lot. This has always been a problem, me being a flake, but in college, I would be dragged out by friends and always ended up having so much fun. Living alone, no one is there to stop me from just staying home and binge-watching TV.
All that being said, living alone has made me more comfortable with being by myself. I’ve gained so much independence.
Learning Independence
Contrary to what this article has been about so far when people ask me if I like living alone, I ultimately say yes! I also say I couldn’t imagine going back to having a roommate if the opportunity came up. Since I often have task paralysis or exhibit a lot of behaviors associated with inattentive ADHD, I used to rely on others to do responsible things. My parents would wake me up for school until I graduated high school! In college, I had great friends who would push me to go to class and clean my room (shout out to them). My best friend would sit on my bed and just hang out with me as I cleaned my room because she knew I wouldn’t do it otherwise. As I said, I kept the common spaces and kitchens clean because of my roommates. I always had others to motivate me, but I never truly did anything for myself.
For the first time, everything I do is for me and initiated by me. Clearly, I’m not the best at doing it consistently and regularly, but I have learned a lot, and when I complete the things I am supposed to, I am so proud.
I am very indecisive, but that, too, has improved. Indecision is very common in people with ADHD; making choices is challenging, whether they are big or small. I would beg my friends to choose what to eat, where to go, what to watch, etc., and I was happy just following along. As silly as it sounds, having to choose those simple things myself has been really tough, but it needs to be done, and no one is there to make those decisions for me. By now, not only do I not feel anxious about the decisions I make by myself, but I am also more vocal about decisions when I am in a group!
I am comfortable being alone now. I have found activities that don’t just fill the hours of the day but leave me feeling satisfied. I look forward to making plans by myself, whether it’s shopping, reading, painting, or just starting a new show or movie.
Things I Have Learned Since Living Alone:
1. Every completed task is a win, no matter how small.
I am sure I am not the only one who will say to themselves that tomorrow is the day they will get their life together. I say, “Tomorrow, I am going to do the dishes, wash my clothes, fold the laundry, go to the gym, adopt a 7-step skincare routine, pay my bills, drink enough water, cook, and meal plan.” Thinking that I can accomplish all of that in one day sets me up for disappointment. Even if I do all those tasks the next day, the odds that those habits will stick are very slim. Instead, I now pride myself on completing one thing at a time.
2. Tasks that seem daunting usually don’t take all that long.
I will feel anxious and guilty for weeks about not folding clean laundry, and when I finally get myself to do it, it probably took me less than 20 minutes.
3. I learned that no one should be responsible for making sure I do things; that is all on me.
Everything I accomplish is so much more satisfying when I am the only one who is responsible for the achievement.
4. To not compare myself to my neuro-typical friends and to things I see on social media
I always envied my friends, who could keep their rooms clean at all times. I would think, what is in the water they are drinking, and can I have some? I would also see videos on TikTok of people with pristine and aesthetically pleasing apartments where everything is satisfyingly organized. Who knows if that is what their place looks like the other 99% of the time. Even if it is, it simply isn’t my reality at the moment, and I am okay with that.
Natalie Gottret Murillo (She/Her) was born in La Paz, Bolivia, and grew up in the suburbs of Washington, D.C.. She graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor of Science in Psychology and is currently working as a Clinical Research Coordinator at an Ivy League University. Natalie has a passion for mental health advocacy and research.
