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Queer Dating for Autistic Young Adults: Tips for Staying Safe and Comfortable

Dating as an autistic young adult can feel overwhelming. To autistic and queer young adults, it can seem like there is an extra layer of social situations, phrases, and emotions to understand. When I began dating women, I felt as if I was entering a different world.

This blog post won’t teach you the basics of dating—OAR’s Sex Ed for Self-Advocates Dating Guide will help with that. Instead, I want to go through a few tips for staying safe and comfortable. It is important to date safely for many reasons— when you feel comfortable in your surroundings and situations, you can focus on having fun, getting to know your partner, and exploring your identity. These tips are from my own experience as an autistic cis lesbian, as well as talking with friends who identify differently than I do. Please note that these tips assume that you live in a place where publicly queer dating won’t put you in danger.

Location Sharing & Having a Trusted Person

When you are about to go on a queer date, first share your phone location with someone you can trust (and is aware of your identity). Tell them what you know about the person you will be going on a date with, what your plans are, and what time you will be returning home. Make a plan in case you don’t return home at the agreed upon time. If you agree to be home by 8 PM and aren’t, what should your trusted person do? Should they call you, or just send a text to check on you? It can also be helpful to make plans to check-in with your trusted person throughout the date. Remember that even if you live in a place where queer dating publicly is considered safe, it never hurts to be careful.

If you are still in the closet and don’t have anyone to talk about dating with, wait until you come out to a trusted person to begin dating. Trusted people are important, especially for those new to queer dating. A trusted person can help you process your new feelings—about the person you are dating, the things you do together, and your growing understanding of your own identity. They can also make sure you are dating safely, even if they aren’t queer themselves.

Boundaries

Queer dating is different from straight dating in many ways. Some things are normalized in the queer dating scene that aren’t normalized for straight people. For example, while on a queer date, it is normal to pay for yourself, or for the person who asked the other out to offer to pay. This differs from straight dates, in which it is often polite for the man to pay for the woman.

This leads me to my next point—there are various sexual and physical situations that are more normalized while queer dating. This can include things like one-time hook-ups, as well as specific sexual acts. Before you begin queer dating, ask yourself what you are comfortable with and practice stating your boundaries. If you are confronted with a situation you did not prepare for in advance, remember that it is always okay to say no. If you are unsure of how you feel in a situation, the best option is to leave.

Signals can be hard to pick up on, especially when you are new to queer dating— or dating at all! Additionally, there is a lot of new vocabulary that pertains to queer dating acts. These will take time to learn. Still, remember that the person you are going on a date with can’t read your mind. Ideally, they will ask before holding your hand, hugging, kissing, etc. but it always is beneficial to state what you are comfortable with upfront.

How “Out”?

It is important to define how “out” you are, and how “out” the person you are dating is. Are there certain places or situations where you can’t be seen in a queer relationship? Is your partner completely out in every situation? While this might not come up on a first date, it is necessary to talk about as the relationship becomes more serious and you meet each other’s friends, family, coworkers, etc. Talking about this allows you to respect each other’s boundaries and wishes. The conversation should be casual and non-judgmental, such as, “Hey, just so you know, please don’t kiss me in front of Grandma.”

Conclusion

If there’s one theme of this article, it’s that clear communication is important! This includes communicating with a trusted person and sharing your location with them, as well as clear communication with the person you are dating. Because labels and language can be hard, don’t feel that you have to communicate in a neurotypical way. If you have a question, or want to state an intention, just say it! “Hey, I had fun today. I’d like to go on another date with you because I’d like to pursue a relationship.” Stating your intention can help both individuals feel comfortable and know what the purpose of the date is.

When my now girlfriend and I started dating, she stated her intentions early on. Even though she’s neurotypical, she wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. I really appreciated this! On our first date, she ended by saying, “Hey, I’ve had fun today. You seem really cool. If we continue going on dates, you should know that being in a long-term relationship is my goal. Is that okay with you?” This let me know what her intention was, and it gave me the chance to consider what I wanted. It also gave me the chance to say yes or no. As always, clear communication is key to feeling safe, comfortable, and able to have a good time.


Noelle Hendrickson is a recent English graduate from Utah. She won the OAR Schwallie Family Scholarship in 2022, currently works with autistic young adults, and hopes to someday publish a book. She loves poetry, autism studies, disability advocacy, and cozy green sweaters. Visit her website: noellehendrickson.com

 

The post Queer Dating for Autistic Young Adults: Tips for Staying Safe and Comfortable first appeared on Organization for Autism Research.

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